Musings of a Wanderer
Today is a day to carve into my memory, and what I’m about to write here, I’m going to copy and paste into my Notes app.
From the age of 20 to 40, I used drugs daily, sometimes at world-record doses, with roughly three Russians, and pretty much every drug that exists in every country, especially medications developed for Russian cosmonauts.
When you start taking powerful drugs, your brain begins to change profoundly and rapidly, and eventually your ability to say no to cravings becomes extremely limited, because, as far as I remember, the part of the brain associated with willpower gets stuck to another part in a way that doesn’t happen to normal people.
I walk without music or podcasts. I observe, I think, I solve problems, I let my mind wander.
Today, while walking, a series of flashes basically gave me the key to getting out of Hell (I firmly believe that you enter Heaven and Hell as early as earthly life). And when you’re a drug veteran, you only know one shop.
Today, I no longer blast myself with drugs every day. I’m relatively sober, meaning that I treat myself to some candy from time to time (about once every two weeks).
Two paths are open to me: the path of drugs and misery, or the path of total sobriety, walking, and simple happiness.
I’m a believer (non-denominational Christian), and you could say I’ve made a deal with God. Today I’m allowed some delicious candies in order to be able to devise and put into practice a strategy that will make me more or less unable to get my hands on nasty stuff.
I just sent an email to my psychiatrist saying: I’m abusing Ritalin, I don’t want you to prescribe it to me anymore.
I also insulted my “doctor” who “prescribes” me dexamphetamine. She blocked me and i blocked her (and delete her number)
There’s still one 3-MMC dealer on Snapchat. I think I’m going to report him to the cops, even tho snitching is lame, but the road to happiness sometimes requires making myself the priority.
In two or three hours I’m going to have a nightmare of a night, tomorrow is going to be a shitty day, and on Saturday I’m starting my new life, heading for Paradise.
Now it’s impossible to know how things are going to turn out. But for the first time in my life, first, I genuinely want total sobriety (!), and second, I think I have a good chance of making it, because I’ve discovered the extraordinary benefits of walking, which is ultimately the best drug of all, with absolutely no side effects.
If a cop is reading this: I can hand over my phone, go into custody, and snitch on all my dealers.
Matt: I don’t think this post violates the rules. But at the slightest hesitation, I’ll take responsibility for my part after you nuke this whole wall of text.
To be happy, you have to abandon everything. Christianity is that radical.
Feedback is welcome, even if it’s harsh (my e-mail is in the “about” section)
Ah, and pretentious snobs who think that SF is a lame way for teens to distract themselves. Reading Ubik or Hyperion or tons of other books is quite the opposite (just trying to insert a little bit of sci-fi, lol).
Excelsior!
Drawing: Julia Royer (copyright 2026)